What the Guidebooks Don't Tell You, but Should!

Dear Tourists,

Welcome to Washington. We're glad you're here. No, really; we are. We appreciate your spending your vacation dollars to help our local economy!

We're sure you've planned meticulously, studied guidebooks, read websites, etc., in preparation for this trip, but there are some things the guidebooks don't tell you, but should. As someone who lives here, I thought I'd share some of the "inside secrets" that will help make your interactions with the natives more enjoyable and help you to fit in a bit more. This is the first of what is likely to be many such lessons.

Today's topic is this:
We call them ESCALATORS (ess-kah-lay-turs). I'm not sure where you are from where you don't have such things, but it's clear by the huge numbers of you who are confused by them that they must not be common sights in many places. For those of you who are new to these magical-moving-stairs, here are a few rules of what to do or not do when using them:

1. Getting onto a magical-moving-stairs ride is not hard. There is no need to stand at the top or bottom of the magical-moving-stairs and watch in mesmerized fascination as the magical-moving-stairs move. In fact, doing so will only aggravate those natives that also wish to ride said magical-moving-stairs. Treat the magical-moving-stairs as you did a sidewalk when you were younger -- you know, "don't step on a crack" and all that good stuff? If you walk right onto the magical-moving-stairs and just STAND there, as long as you are not stepping on a crack, the magical-moving-stairs will do the rest... Well, actually, it'll do the rest whether or not you are standing on a crack, but it's easier for those of you who are new to this type of ride if you don't have to worry about part of the magical-moving-stairs disappearing from under your feet.
   
   
2. Getting off the magical-moving-stairs ride is also easy. It does take a little bit of work on your part, but I'm sure you can do this. When the magical-moving-stairs have taken you to the top/bottom, you will need to step off of the magical-moving-stairs onto the metal plate that sits at the end of the magical-moving-stairs. It's one step.... C'mon..... You can do it!! ...Good job! I told you you could do it!
   
   
3. When you get off the magical-moving-stairs, DO NOT STOP at the top/bottom!!! The natives understand that you might need to get your bearings or read the map found in the guidebooks you already read (which didn't tell you any of this, so really, I don't know why you even bother to continue using them, but I digress...). The magical-moving-stairs, however, do NOT stop just because you stepped off!!! Remember all those people who also wanted to enjoy the magical-moving-stairs ride, but were too slow to get on ahead of you? They are still right behind you. The magical-moving-stairs will deposit them right on top of your hot little heels if you stop to read your map as soon as you get off the ride.....It's a MUCH better idea to walk about 5-10 feet once your turn on the magical-moving-stairs has finished and then MOVE TO ONE SIDE OR THE OTHER before trying to read your map or get your bearings.
   
   
4. Magical-moving-stairs are one-way streets. But the good news is they always come in sets of 2 or more. If you get on one going the wrong way, don't panic. And whatever you do, do NOT suddenly try to go the opposite direction of the magical-moving-staircase you are on! When you reach the top/bottom, you'll usually see the mate to the one you were just on that will take you back where you started from.
   
   
5. Magical-moving-stairs each have 2-lanes. There is both a "slow lane" and a "fast lane". If this is your first time riding a magical-moving-staircase, we suggest enjoying the ride by taking the slow lane. To do this, stand all the way to the right and then let the magical-moving-stairs do the rest. If you want to experience some of the hectic-pace that DC is known for, you can try the "fast lane" of the magical-moving-stairs. To do this, you move to the left on the magical-moving-stairs, but you MUST NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES just stand there!! Life in the fast lane means moving fast, so you MUST walk up/down the magical-moving-stairs if you are in the fast lane!! NO EXCEPTIONS!! Nothing will make the natives more restless and less enthusiastic about your visit than if you get in the "fast lane", but treat it as a "slow lane". Especially at a subway station. And that goes double if it's rush hour!!
   
   

If you follow these simple rules, I guarantee your stay with us will be a much happier one!! Tune in next time for more helpful hints about how to interact with the natives.